Stop Fixing Phones.
Start Disrupting Glass.
The first Web3-enabled, AI-driven, decentralized Point of Sale that physically refuses to process transactions for iCloud-locked devices. Now in 2.0, just in time for the worst week of your year.
or play Counter Rush™ while you wait in line
Black Friday in --d --h --m --s
Backed by people who have never held a Phillips #00
What they said → what they meant
“It just stopped working.”
→ hot tub
“I barely dropped it.”
→ interstate
“Can you look at it real quick?”
→ free labor
2.0
Codename: “Bag of Rice”
We threw away v4.20.69 and started over. Nobody can prove we didn't. Eight new features, seven removals, and a version number that goes the wrong way on purpose. Built for the worst week of your retail year.
Counter Rush™
Black Friday, but you're behind the counter. Serve the line, refuse the iCloud-locked, survive Karen. Leaderboard included. Dignity not.
Play it →Fluent in Customer™
Real-time translation of 'it just stopped working' into what actually happened to the phone. Trained on 11 million tickets and one hot tub.
Translate →The Receipt of Truth
Every surcharge you've ever wanted to charge and never had the nerve to. Itemized. Thermal-printed. Legally uncomfortable.
Print one →ETA Oracle
Tells the customer '20 minutes' with the confidence of a man who has not checked the parts bin. Now also tells you the truth. Privately.
Consult →Bag of Rice™ Premium
A subscription for the one repair method every customer has already tried. Rice sourced from a pantry in Boise. Now 30% more rice.
Subscribe →Doorbuster Mode
Limited-quantity deals on an infinite digital product. A virtual line. A real countdown. A checkout that has never once succeeded.
Get in line →LCI Whisperer
Reads the Liquid Contact Indicator and tells you what the customer won't. It's pink. It's always pink. 'That's just a stain.'
Cable Reconciliation Engine
Tracks all 4,000 unclaimed chargers in the drawer and matches each to its owner. Match rate: 0%. Drawer: still full.
- The Cancel button (it never worked; now it's honest)
- 'In stock' as a concept
- Brett's availability
- Every integration. Again.
- Accountability (moved to v3, which doesn't exist)
- The word 'sorry' from 'sorry for the wait'
- Phones. All of them. Please stop bringing them.
Counter Rush™
It's 7:58 AM on Black Friday. The line wraps the building. You have 30 seconds and one screwdriver. Tap to serve. Read the room.
- Cracked screen+100
- Tried rice+150
- Wants manager3 taps · +300
- iCloud-lockedDON'T
- “Real quick”DON'T
Chain good serves for up to ×5. Ignore the locked and the “real quick” for bonus principles.
30 seconds. Nine counter spots. Zero sympathy.
Fluent in Customer™
Two tools, one truth. Translate what they said. Consult the Oracle on what you promised.
Pick a classic above, or type your own. Karen-AI is listening.
The Receipt of Truth™
Every fee you've wanted to charge and never had the nerve to. Fill in the ticket, tick the sins, print the evidence.
YOUR DATA WAS NOT LOOKED AT. (IT WAS A LITTLE.)
Prices so low we had to lie.
Everything is 99% off*, until it isn't. Limited quantities of an unlimited digital product.
Sale ends Nov 27, 12:00 AM, or whenever Brett wakes up.
Hobbyist
*For the first 11 seconds. Then $299. Then $299 again, because we like you.
Pro
Save $0.01. That's a 0.001% discount, which is legally still a discount.
Bag of Rice™ Premium
Moisture Recovery Subscription. Rice sourced from a pantry in Boise. Now 30% more rice.
Enterprise: Buy One, Get One
You pay for both. The second one is a different Brett. Blood sacrifice sold separately.
Mystery Swollen Battery Box
*Plus $49 shipping & handling. Contents may expand. Do not puncture, open, or place near radiator.
Tempered Glass, Applied by Blockchain
9H hardness. Hardness not independently verified. Bubbles are a feature.
*Offer valid while supplies of electrons last. No rain checks, no rice checks.
Detect the Karen before she reaches the counter.
Our 14B-parameter computer vision model analyzes parking lot gait, sigh frequency, and handbag-to-volume ratio. Try it on a totally real customer below.
Quote any repair. Algorithmically.
Our pricing API has been described as "absurd," "borderline illegal," and "exactly how they do it at Apple."
Quote valid for 90 seconds. Subject to vibes.
Ten features your shop didn't ask for.
Four new, six inherited. Each engineered by 14 staff engineers in San Francisco who have never personally replaced a charging port.
Legacy platform (1.0)
Hover to collapse the wave function.
Stock levels exist in superposition until observed. Move your cursor across a cell to personally re-roll quantum reality.
Auto-Gaslight Warranty Engine
Describe what the customer claims happened. Receive a 200-word, technically-flawless rebuttal explaining why it's actually their fault.
Your beautifully-worded rebuttal will appear here…
Enter literally any numbers.
Our proprietary model is mathematically incapable of returning a result lower than 10×.
*Not guaranteed. Not a forecast. Not legal in 14 jurisdictions.
Equitable. Decentralized. Mostly ours.
Total supply: 4,200,000,000 $NPOS. Utility: vibes only. Not a security (says us).
Vesting: 1-day cliff for founders, 99-year cliff for everyone else.
Trusted by founders who definitely exist.
"Before NotAPOS, I was actually repairing devices. Now, I just optimize my workflows and synergize my logic board reflows. 10x ROI."
"I still write everything on a sticky note, but the NotAPOS dashboard looks incredible on the monitor facing the customer."
Loved by 10 of the world's 3 customers.
A non-exhaustive selection of repair shops we have either onboarded, almost onboarded, or DM'd on Instagram once. Click any shop for their (legally non-binding) testimonial.
* Some, most, or all of these shops may be conceptual.
The press has questions. We have synergy.
Click any headline to read the full piece. (Articles are 100% real-feeling.)
The NotAPOS API.
REST. JSON. Lies. Try it live below — every request is billed in synergy units you don't have.
// hit "Send" to disrupt this endpoint.
curl -X POST https://api.notapos.io/v1/karen/scan \
-H "Authorization: Bearer sk_live_definitely_not_a_real_key" \
-H "Content-Type: application/json" \
-d '{ "customer_id": "cus_84f2b1", "gait_video_url": "https://cdn.notapos.io/cam/cam-3.mp4", "eyebrow_arch_degrees": 47, "clutched_receipts_count": 2}'How NotAPOS stacks up.
We took the time to objectively compare ourselves to every other POS on the market. Results may surprise no one.
| Feature | NotAPOS you, the visionary | Square boring, profitable | Clover owned by a bank | Lightspeed actually works | A Spreadsheet free, undefeated |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
Decentralized Glass™ On-chain screen replacement provenance | |||||
Karen-AI Threat Detection Manager-request probability scoring via gait analysis | |||||
Anime-Wallpaper Surge Pricing | |||||
Schrödinger's Inventory™ | |||||
Auto-Gaslight Warranty Engine | |||||
Blockchain Diagnostics™ We don't know what this means and neither do you | |||||
LLM-Powered Sticky Notes | |||||
Founder Cam (Live) | |||||
Mints receipts as NFTs | |||||
47-step Quickstart guide | |||||
Actually processes payments Cope. | |||||
Has paying customers | |||||
Pre-revenue valuation | $4.2B | — | — | — | $0.00 |
Monthly cost | $999 | $0 | $15 | $89 | $0 |
* Comparison made by NotAPOS marketing on a Tuesday. No actual competitive analysis was harmed.
Get 30 minutes with Brett.
Brett personally hand-picks every customer. His calendar opens up Q4 2031. Book early — slots are filling up at an unprecedented rate of zero per week.
Times in Brett's timezone (PST → UTC → Bali → ?). Slots refreshed real-time via WebSocket.
Pay us money. Receive synergy.
Regular prices, for people who don't like fun. All plans include 47 onboarding emails and a calendar invite from a founder named Brett.
For shops who 'just want it to work.'
- Manual data entry (yours)
- 3 customer sighs per week
- Email support (4–6 weeks)
- Unlimited buzzwords
Most synergized choice.
- AI Customer Ghosting™
- Karen-AI Early Warning System
- Physical branded microfiber cloth
- Slack channel with 2 founders
- Surge pricing (anime detection)
Starts at $4,000/mo. Plus a sacrifice.
- Blockchain Diagnostics included
- Dedicated 'Customer Velocity Pod'
- Quarterly Business Review at SoulCycle
- Blood sacrifice of one swollen Li-ion
- On-prem LLM (it's just GPT-3.5)
Survive Black Friday. Disrupt anyway.
Join 42,069 shops on the waitlist who are simply too important to keep using a spreadsheet, even though it worked perfectly fine. Version 2.0 ships whenever you stop reading this.
psst — try the konami code: ↑↑↓↓←→←→ B A · or just type “rice”